Says Daniel Wann, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Murray State in Kentucky and author of Sports Fans: The Psychology and Social Impact of Spectators. “But on the whole, the majority of parents who attend youth sporting events are well behaved. Sure, they may lose it every now and then, but overall, they do a great job of keeping their perspective.

“But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be concerned. If one child cries because a parent or coach yelled at them or embarrassed them, then we have a problem. To what degree that problem is depends on the situation. The ‘Hockey Dads’ incident was a wake up call. Let’s face it, murder is just about the last step on the ladder. The only thing worse is if a coach were to murder a player.”

Wann says two factors define how and why parents react the way they do during their child’s game. The first is defining the power of the situation, which includes the factors that cause a parent to react the way they do, i.e., heat, was the parent drinking, did he or she have a bad day at work, etc. The second is the level of identification a parent has with his or her child. There is a perception that if your child is benched, you’re benched. If your child is called out, you’re called out.

Think of it as the hardcore fan that roots so feverishly for his or her favorite team. They seemingly live and breathe for every play while donned from head-to-toe in corresponding attire, face paint, etc. Now take this fan mentality, but make that favorite team their child. Nobody wants to see his or her child fail or look bad.

But proponents of youth sports such as Wann are not suggesting that a parent should not identify with his or her child. Instead, the solution lies in changing the process, i.e., not tying this identification with the outcome of the game. In the end, it is the winning and losing – and all the trappings of success and failure tied to the outcome – that send some parents off the deep end. Simply put, today’s youth sports culture has unfortunately taught parents to care too much about who wins and who loses.

“Since the day they put up scoreboards – and I’m not saying they shouldn’t have – what was once supposed to be fun and socially positive has been translated into winning,” says Fred Engh, president of NAYS. “What kids really want is to be with their friends and have fun playing whatever sport it is they chose. The adult mentality of winning championships has interfered with this premise.”

Engh, who has been tracking these issues for more than 20 years, says parent interference is not a new concept. “What is different today is the violence associated with this interference. Parents must fight the demons that taunt them as they watch their child play. The emotionally mature parent is the one who recognizes that [spending time on the bench, coaches telling their child what to do, etc.] are a part of the whole learning experience for their child. They must understand that they are not always going to be around to protect their child when things go wrong. And in life, things go wrong. In sports – as in life – we learn about the joys of winning and sadness of losing.”

The New Age of Youth Sports

The residents of Port St. Lucie, Fla., may have thought their city was the last place in the world they would expect to hear a story as gruesome as this, but there it was in black and white in the evening paper: “Spectator Bites off Man’s Ear at Youth Baseball Game.” To make matters even worse, the incident was caught on video tape. On what appeared to be an average Monday night at the ballpark turned into a shameful replay of the Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield heavyweight championship bout. As the story goes, after one of the losing team’s players became “loud and boisterous” as he left the field, a fan of the winning team punched the player in the head, which provoked the teenager’s father to attack, and subsequently, bite the man’s ear off. If that was not enough, caught in the middle of the brawl was a mother and her 9-month-old daughter, who was knocked from her mother’s arms to the ground.

In the rock ‘em, sock ‘em world that youth sports has become, it is still uncertain how much the media can help or hurt the work that must be done. “When it comes to publicity, it always seems that it is a best of times, worst of times scenario,” says Judith Young, executive director of the National Association of Sport and Physical Education (NASPE). “When you look at the number of kids participating in organized team sports, the numbers are increasing. But with these increases we have excesses, such as all-out brawls that are happening when you put parents, coaches and kids who are determined to win together in a situation where somebody has to lose. And the press is always going to highlight the extreme cases.”

In the truest sense of the “kick ‘em when they’re up, kick ‘em when they’re down” world of news reporting, parents yelling, screaming, fighting and, sadly, killing each over a youth sports game makes for compelling story telling. But somewhere between the far left and far right is a problem that some fear may be miles away from correcting. “Parents understand – in their sane moments – that getting out of hand because of their child’s game is wrong,” Young says. “It’s not like they get up in the morning with the intention of causing harm during their child’s baseball game. That doesn’t mean we don’t have a problem and that we shouldn’t pay close attention to what’s happening.

“Change will come only when parents realize that they must focus on the positive side of participating in sports. I’m not sure the media is willing to make that the evening’s lead story. So when the bad press hits, we can only hope that the mere thought of a father killing another father over a practice is enough to make a difference.”

Changing the landscape

Still, the challenge lies in the fact that changing the landscape of youth sports behavior translates down to a program-by-program basis. Each person must be willing to not only change, but admit that they need to do so as well. So while a generally acceptable “Silent Saturday” program – in which parents must take an oath to not speak during a game – is a rule that parents agree upon, rules – as we know all too well – are made to be broken. “The culture can be changed,” NAYS’s Engh says. “But it can only be done through education. If you ask a thousand people why organized sports are good for kids, 90 percent wouldn’t know the answer. If they did, they wouldn’t stand for what they see going on in so many programs [obnoxious coaches and parents, etc.]. The culture can be changed if parents understand that the experience can play a significant role in their child’s development.

“Simply put, the rules of sports are the rules of life. And when parents begin to become unselfish as to what is better for their child – as opposed what is better for them – when it comes to organized sports, we will see a change. This will happen when those communities that provide public facilities for these programs make a stand by first telling leagues, coaches and parents what’s expected of them as it pertains to the program. If they cannot comply, they cannot use the facility. You want to see change? Implement a program like this and people will change.”

NAYS is one organization that has worked tirelessly to implement such programs. Take a PAYS (Parents Association for Youth Sports) survey that NAYS implemented in Greensboro, N.C. PAYS – one of many NAYS services – is a membership organization for parents involved in out-of-school youth sports that educates and motivates youth league parents to make their child’s sports experience safe and meaningful. The survey was conducted by interviewing 300 parents who were randomly selected from among the roughly 1,600 households that had participated in the program through the middle of January 2002.

Parents were asked the following questions: Do parents believe that there is a “problem” with the behavior of parents at youth sporting events? Is it appropriate public policy for the city to attempt to modify parental behavior at these events? Do parents feel that the current PAYS program is effective at modifying parental behavior? And are there aspects of the current PAYS program that could be improved upon?

Based on the results, there was a strong consensus among the parents interviewed that parental behavior at youth sporting event was a problem that warrants the city’s attention. More than 82 percent of parents have seen or have otherwise become concerned about parental behavior at these events. By the same percentage, parents believe that an education program for adults is appropriate public policy. A solid two-thirds majority believes that the education program should be mandatory.

Parents were also asked if they had witnessed, or otherwise become concerned about the behavior of parent at youth sporting events. Specific examples NAYS cited included cases of parents shouting, berating or using abusive language with children, coaches or officials. According to the findings, 55.3 percent of respondents indicated that they had personally seen behavior that they considered inappropriate. An additional 27.3 percent of respondents indicated that, while they had not personally seen inappropriate behavior, they were concerned with the issue.

So where does the answer lie? “It’s all about perspective,” Wann says. “As a parent, you must remind yourself of what is really important when it comes to your child and sports. Think of it this way: Would you want your child to come to your office and start badgering you about how you do your job? It’s like that commercial where the two guys jump up from the back of the room during a child’s piano recital and start chanting. As crazy as that commercial appears is as crazy as it’s getting out there today in some communities.”

The bottom line: Change can only come when parents realize that it is not all about the winning and the losing. “While we may be miles away from fixing the problem, we are moving into the right direction,” Wann says. “But you have to remember, for every community that’s doing it right, there are 5,000 that are doing it wrong.” 

by Michael J. Pallerino

Reprinted with permission from SportingKid Magazine

Lester Munson, an associate editor at Sports Illustrated, will deliver the keynote address, which will focus on the growing trend of anger and violence in youth sports. Munson is an award-winning writer and a member of the Illinois Bar Association.

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