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FUNNY SPORTS SATIRE
PUJOLS METH
ADDICT?SUPPLEMENT ABUSE BY GREGORY MCCRONE
In the on-deck circle, in the bottom of the 9th inning, just before his
at-bat in game seven of the National League Championship Series at
Yankee Stadium, Albert Pujols was “wired in.” The bedlam of 47,714 fans
and the history of the Houston Astros franchise – recent, as well as
long past – failed to distract his focus.
Pujols, of course, hit the second pitch he saw from closer Brad Lidge 11
city blocks deep past the left field bleachers. In the process, he
propelled his St. Louis Cardinals over the Astros, 5-4, and back to St.
Louis for Game 6. It was only the sixth deciding game walk-off homerun
in the history of the Major League Baseball playoffs.
The Non-answer
Asked afterwards in the Budweiser-soaked Cardinals clubhouse to explain
his clout, Pujols offered only the standard baseball bromides but with a
slight Spanish accent.
Investigation into the game-winning home run, however, has revealed
possible illegal drug use by the most recent October hero for the
Cardinals.
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Pujols’ agent would not comment for this article, but for dismissing as
“speculation” unconfirmed reports that very recently Pujols began taking
“supplements and breakfast vitamins” on game days.
Cardinals front office personnel also did not comment on the record.
But, one source speaking on the condition of anonymity, did confide that
prior to leaving the dugout for the on-deck circle, Pujols admitted to
feeling “‘amped’ … wired in and ready to knock the cover off the ball.”
Piss-poor Post-season
Pujols’ tenure with the Cardinals has been nothing but sweet. His play
at first base is solid and his offense never disappoints. Coming into
the ninth inning, he was 0 for 4, but batting over .300 in the
post-season.
Slumps are nothing new to the game, and every player experiences them at
one time or another during a season. What is new, however, is players’
increasingly assertive attempts to end them with outside assistance. And
more and more players are turning to the backyard laboratory for that
help.
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The use of performance enhancing drugs is also not new too
baseball. In the summer of 1998, St. Louis slugger Mark McGwire
was revealed to be using androstenedione Jose Canseco’s
prodigious talents are thought to have been based partly on his
use of synthetic steroids.
But the matter of using methamphetamine -- also known as meth,
crystal meth, crunk, ice, raw, and speed -- elevates the
discussion to a wholly different level. Prepared exclusively for
illicit use and characterized by its euphoric effects, meth
affects a user’s cardiovascular, nervous, psychological, and
gastrointestinal systems.
“No shit, he jacked that one,” said Dr. Emerson Brown, a
clinical biochemist at St. Louis Legacy Hospital. “Feelings of
omnipotence and illusions of grandeur are the sine qua non of
persons under the influence of crack. Hyperalertness and
feelings of disproportionate strength are usual. Imagine the
story of the grandmother lifting the Volkswagen car off her
grandchild, and you get the picture,” Brown added.
Indeed, the excitation of the central nervous system and sensory
distortion may have played heavily in the coming-together of
skills required to hit a pitched baseball.
That Pujols would feel “amped … wired in” may indicate symptoms
of such drug usage.
“All-night Parties”
Most average and lesser-known players try to curry favor with
their more talented and famous teammates by lavishing attention
on them. Billy Martin’s obsequiousness when around Whitey Ford
is one well-known example.
Similarly, Pujols was known for throwing “wild, all-night
parties” at his spacious downtown loft condominium. “They even
filmed one of those Visa commercials with there,” said one
frequent party-goer who spoke anonymously.
Cardinals management reportedly had warned the first baseman
about his “going out every night” and the effect on the team,
this source said. Pujols supposedly denied any problem.
According to this front office insider, he was seen much later
that same night at Orso, Cheetah and the Broome Street Bar.
Mysterious Housekeeper
Apparently, Pujols’ live-in housekeeper had had enough of the
career .332 hitter’s debauched antics. Wilma Cline, 42, was new
to the Pujols condominium, having just joined the household this
past week. “It’s been non-stop,” Cline said. “Ever since I come
here, for almost two weeks, it’s nothing but party, party,
party. I asked to keep it down. I warned about his play the next
day. I couldn’t take it no more.”
Cline says she walked in on Pujols in a condominium bathroom
with an array of lighters, solvent canisters, cold medicines,
drain cleaner, cook pots, and a hot plate on the counter. “He
quickly waved at the air [as if to disperse smoke] and threw his
hand over his mouth. I panicked,” the housekeeper said.
The following day – the morning of game seven – Cline went to
the authorities.
Police were skeptical of the woman’s story. “She came into the
station telling this story, and yet when we asked her questions
about her background, she would only say that she’s from Florida
and previously worked for a national, conservative, radio talk
show host,” police spokesperson Mary Carey said. “We have no
idea who or what she’s talking about.”
Carey added, “Law enforcement officials questioned Cline
further, but found no evidence of probable cause and declined to
pursue the matter.”
League to Investigate
Nevertheless, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig warned, “anything
that could possibly taint the integrity of the game would be
dealt with accordingly.” He promised “a speedy, thorough, and
unbiased, but mostly speedy, investigation.
* Gregory MacCrone is a Portland, Oregon, writer in the midst of
a severe creativity drought.
We would like to thank Steve Becker,
editor and writer of the " Becker Sports Report" for permission to reprint this article.
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