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FUNNY SPORTS SATIRE
new
york jets coach break-in
Herman Edwards, the New York Jets' head coach, has been charged with
breaking into the home of an octogenarian and, at gunpoint,
subjecting her to a ranting diatribe in which he reportedly defended
his use of "schemes" and justified his
"preparation" as the leader of a team that has fallen well
short of expectations this season.
In other words, sources with the club said, "[Edwards]
snapped."
Widely regarded as one of the more dignified head coaches in the league,
don't tell that to Mabel Smith, the victim of Edwards' home
invasion.
Living alone in an attached duplex on Staten Island and seated in front of
her television on which reruns of the "Family Feud,"
neighbors reported, were blasting throughthe walls at volumes higher
than the roar of La Guardia jets overhead, Smith, a slight,
arthritically stooped woman was surely not expecting Edwards to kick
down her door and, waving a gun, order her to turn off the
television and "stay calm" or "I'm gonna do something
stupid" (as if he hadn't already).
Smith then leaned over and died, "from the shock, obviously,"
authorities now say, but Edwards, apparently missing her expiration,
subjected her still to what neighbors later recalled overhearing was
a rambling disquisition on the decline of the team and his untenable
grasp as head coach.
Twice, it was reported, he fired the gun in efforts to compel Smith's
attention, to no avail.
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"Herman lost it," said another source in the Jets' organization.
"He's a good guy. This isn't him. He just broke down. It's
tragic. I mean, this guy's got a Lexus and two BMW's. It's
sad."
"Coach...that aint like coach," said Curtis Martin, the All-Pro running back.
"I mean, bustin' in on an old lady like that and reaming her
out...damn, that aint coach. Coach would've at least knocked. I'm
tellin' you."
"It's been a frustrating year for Herman," said Vinnie Testiverde,
the overrated and underachieving quarterback. "Coach expected
big things from us, and we let him down. Every guy in this room has
gotta take some responsibility for coach's breakdown."
Most of the talk in the Jets' "family" concerned Edwards and
his sad, abrupt descent. Players and team officials notably avoided
imagining the horror of the frail, old lady apparently too fragile
to endure Edwards' terrifying assault.
"I'm trying to," said Tedd Cottrell, the teams' defensive
coordinator. "I'm trying to picture that little old lady. But
all I see is Herman. Desperate...lonely...no where to turn. Probably
irrational. I'm trying to see the other side...to access that old
lady's vulnerability...to empathize. But it's not coming."
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"Same with me," said Paul Hackett, the teams' offensive coordinator.
"I ask myself, what must that old lady have been thinking,
feeling? I mean, there she is, sitting down to dinner, watching
what's his name? Richard Dawson? And all of sudden, Herman comes
busting in, threatening, brandishing a gun. I wanna hook into the
old lady's fright, terror. But all I see is Herman's. All I see is
Herman's fright...Herman's desperation."
"It's not fair...it never is," Hackett said philosophically.
"I'll tell you who's to blame, if you're gonna blame anyone.
Blame Vinnie. Yeah, fuck Vinnie. He's not gettin' the job done.
Hasn't for a long-ass time. And it's coming back at me,
goddammit. You wanna know what's unfair? That's what's
unfair."
We
would like to thank Steve Becker,
editor and writer of the " Becker Sports Report"
for permission to reprint this article.
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