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FUNNY SPORTS SATIRE
gARY sT. JEAN BASKETBALL AND THE FLU
Scientists at Tufts University are reporting the discovery of a strain of flu that's more difficult to eradicate, they assert, than Golden State Warriors' General Manager Gary St. Jean. If confirmed, it would upend one of the bedrock tenets of medical science, namely that no known viral or bacterial agent is as intractable and immovable as this ineffectual NBA bureaucrat. "We've heard about him," said Jack Newfeld, MD and infectious disease expert who led the Tufts study. "We understand the skepticism out there. But we believe Mr. St. Jean has met his match in this uniquely vicious, persistent bug." Scientists are calling the strain "The St. Jean Flu," in reference to the NBA fixture who, Warriors fans lament, just "won't go away." The resilient St. Jean has not only survived the clamor for his head but has done so seemingly with his job-security never more intact and as if untied to his performance. In other words, says Walter Thomas, a drunk from the Tenderloin District, "Ahm jus' sayin' he'd 'abee gon' if it wuzn't, you see what ahm sayin?" |
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St Jean was born, records show, an awfully long time ago, and has spent most of his adult life afflicting various franchises with his long stays and routinely sub-par results. Nor does he have plans of slowing down. "Look," he said, "I've been doing this all my life. I love the game of basketball. And I love the challenge of keeping my teams in the bottom rung of the league year after year." Ask NBA insiders to explain his durability in the face of his mediocrity, and you'll get two theories: one posits his membership in the NBA's "old boys' network," while the second and less cynical view sees St. Jean's mere affability as having engendered his employers' loyalty. But no one, surely, disputes his appeal to competing General Managers. |
Of course you like the guy," said Rod Thorn, General Manager of the Nets. "He's a terrible GM, and in this league, you love terrible GM's. I mean, the first guy you think about calling when you're trying to pull off a 'steal,' is Gary. No offense. It's just the business."
St. Jean shrugs it off, saying congenially, "Me and Rod go way back. I don't take that stuff seriously. I've got only one focus, which is how to make this franchise less competitive every year and poise it for a high lottery pick. That's what I live for. What I've lived for since before Lincoln."
We would like to thank Steve Becker, editor and writer of the " Becker Sports Report" for permission to reprint this article.
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