At their annual meeting in Bangkok, Major League Baseball's owners agreed to advance Hank Aaron 349 extra home-runs to "even the playing field" and take into account the steroid factor.

Lifelong atheist, Larry Brown, the Knicks' head coach, has turned to God for answers to the team's dismal performance in this traumatic season of obliterated expectations.

New York Yankees ace reliever Mariano Rivera admitted last week to a hushed Yankees press room that the Boston Red Sox are, indeed, his daddy.

Knicks officials, taking the high road and clearly intent on keeping their tone constructive, called Houston "a malingering hypochondriac."

Allan Houston has asked once again to go on the disabled list, this time for a worsening condition of "gingivitis,"Knicks' teams officials said.

A top official for the Boston Red Sox says the number one priority for the world champs this off-season is to sign an aesthetician cum personal stylist for the club.

A furious battle in the New Jersey congress ended last night with an agreement to make the "telephone pole" the state's official tree.

Seeking to raise Phil Jackson's interest in their head-coaching vacancy, the Knicks have suggested a provision of "weed" be included in their contract talks, sources in the organization confirmed.

The great Barbaro, against his veterinarian's advice, will run in the grueling Belmont Stakes, Saturday, after James Andrews, MD, the ubiquitous sports orthopedist, examined him and cleared him to compete.

Pat Riley's hair has been designated a "new element" by a reputable New Jersey chemist who was unable to break it down into constituent parts.

Jeff Van Gundy, the Houston Rockets head coach, says that he knows where Osama Bin Laden is, but will keep the information, and his source, from the Department of Homeland Security.

The black male described as 5'8", about 180 pounds and wearing a ski cap—and a suspect in nearly half a million crimes in recent decades--has reportedly been apprehended in Poughkeepsie, NY.

Larry Brown had "a close call" this afternoon when his brakes "failed" as he approached reporters near the Knicks practice facility from which the reporters had been banned.

Simpson was the first suspect in the Peterson case, earlier even than was Scott Peterson, the husband, because, authorities said, "O.J. is the first suspect now in all murdered wife cases. This is now standard operating procedure."

Madison Square Garden--A feuding Larry Brown and Stephon Marbury entered couples treatment to seek the mutual understanding that's eluded them for months, a team source disclosed, and the player and coach subsequently confirmed.

Tilton is said to have met with Owens and Eagles officials in a secret Houston boiler-room location, where one of Tilton's telemarketing scams was effectively screwing geriatrics out of thousands of dollars for a bogus Tsunami Relief fund.

"The whole team's depressed," psychiatrist Norman Schoenfeld, MD, wrote in a confidential report to the organization's owner, James Dolan III. "Every single Knicks player exhibits individual symptoms of major depression".

Isiah Thomas admitted that he's been "day trading" with the Knicks' roster since assuming the team's presidency of basketball operations less than two years ago.

Former Green Bay Packer great Ray Nitschke was mistakenly elected to the "philosophy hall of fame" in his "first year of eligibility," after the election committee called him a "giant in the field of philology."

Mike Nolan, the team's head coach, said Herrion's death "leaves a giant hole in our hearts, but more importantly, in our offensive line. Even though we projected him as a backup, we needed that big, fat fella."

As if firing him wasn't enough, Isiah Thomas, the Knicks president, is now accused of raiding veteran assistant coach Dick Helm's personal bank account.

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