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FUNNY SPORTS SATIRE
BOBBY VALENTINE AND DON ZIMMER Freshly fired as Manager of the New York Mets, Bobby Valentine, who last year hinted that a high-profile major leaguer might soon announce his gay status, called a press conference today at which he revealed his secret love relationship with baseball lifer Don Zimmer.
reverberations of the disclosure are expected to rock the baseball world, a notoriously close-minded, bigoted culture. But Valentine said he was "immeasurably relieved" to have "come clean" with his "secret life" and now could conduct his affairs with "this burden off my shoulders." Smiling at Zimmer, Valentine said, "Look, I'm not gonna kid you guys. Don's not my perfect type. He's kind've fat, and a little hairy, but he gets the job done. He satisfies me. Bottom line." Zimmer, chuckling, said, "You never told me that, Bob," and kissed Valentine's ear affectionately. Valentine said his relationship with Zimmer "was the only thing that worked for me last year," an apparent reference to his disappointment in a team that everyone, he especially, expected to compete for a championship. "Don and I share a lot," he said. "Baseball. Tobacco. Feelings." Friends echoed Valentine's sentiments, saying that, in Zimmer, Valentine had found someone who accepted him for who he was-- "a phony, manipulative, back-stabbing jerk." |
Team owner Fred Wilpon.
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Zimmer conceded center-stage to Valentine, saying only, while smiling shyly, "I'm very happy. That's all I have to say." On hearing the news, Fred Wilpon, the team's principal owner, reportedly required assistance as, groaning, he was led by friends to address reporters outside his home. "I'm sickened. I mean, picture those guys," he said. "Oh, God. I think I'm sick." Wilpon stressed however that, tolerating neither prejudice nor discrimination, he'd have fired Valentine immediately had he learned of the affair earlier. "What message would this be sending my son?" he asked, referring to Barry Wilpon, 41. Valentine, meanwhile, said that his wife had no idea of his subterranean life with Zimmer, but smiling mischievously, added, "Now she does." |
"She's a strong woman. She'll survive. We'll come out of this okay. Still friends, I hope."
Valentine said his relationship with Zimmer had evolved over the years from purely a sexual status to something richer and more textured, characterized by long talks late into the night about bunting, corked bats, and the ass of Kurt Schilling, the Arizona Diamondback's ace.
"He's cute," Valentine said. "C'mon. I don't need to be coy with you guys. I could watch that guy...I mean watch him pitch...every night. Right, Don?"
"Right, Bob," Zimmer said caressingly, punctuating the men's special chemistry.
We would like to thank Steve Becker, editor and writer of the " Becker Sports Report" for permission to reprint this article.
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